But the irony of the whole thing is that if I choose to focus on that very thing, I'd actually be missing the most important point.
Last week, I was struggling physically and emotionally after experiencing the loss of an early pregnancy. I decided that I wanted to force myself to get out of the house (despite the doctor's advice to rest, no doubt) and work from a coffee shop. I walked into this adorable spot and got in line. A gentleman walked almost in front of me and stood caddy-corner until he could edge in.
There were so many more graceful options.
But instead a monster woke up with me that morning and escorted me into the situation with all the brokenness and vengeance of everything happening on my insides, and I snarkily addressed it. He returned my tone and accused me of cutting in front of him. We both felt wronged and we both felt offended that the other would think we did it intentionally. It escalated with the kind of words that are calm and soft yet sharp and uncomfortably cutting, giving our best attempt at trying to demean one another with intellect and tone. Then we just abruptly stopped and both sulked. He ordered, and for an infinitely long terrible almost 60 seconds, I stood behind him. Trembling on the inside because my heart utterly eclipsed itself and went black. A very cold black.
And then the most uncontrollable behavior happened!
Light itself legit overtook me, and before pride could talk my mind out of it, my heart lunged forward and exclaimed, I am so sorry and mortified. I acted like a spoiled child and handled the entire thing poorly. I honestly was upset at life and the potential that you maybe thought I would do it on pur...
And before I could finish, he returned, Oh my god, I am so embarrassed. I handled it terribly, I can't believe I did that. And the next 60 seconds were filled with us arguing over who could be more embarrassed while profusely apologizing.
I'll never understand what triggered him from his own life, but what I'm responsible for is addressing what's going on inside of me.
And while this was over something so silly + obnoxious such as waiting in line to order a draft latte, all I know is that it felt good to beat pride at its destructive game and make it right, no matter how big or how small.
It breathed some life back into me that day, and it felt really really REALLY good.